Most of us have lived their conscious lives busy. Maybe not completely busy, but probably never to the extent of saying “I’m not doing anything nowadays.” First we have school and the tons of homework and activities related to it, then there’s college and a couple of temp jobs here and there, and then there’s work and probably married life. By the time you get around to taking a breather and really looking back at your life and observing your surroundings, it’s after you’ve retired. Either that or you get completely lost somewhere in between and have to step out of your life to take a better look. Sometimes, you even get thrown out and take the chance to look around.
I took the opportunity to ‘throw’ myself out of my life when waking up in the mornings became a fight. When going to work on auto-pilot most of the time started making me feel lifeless, and when I looked inside to visualize my dreams I saw nothing. So, what happened? Initially, it hurt knowing that I wouldn’t be seeing the place and the people I was familiar with again. Then I felt relieved to realize I had the courage to break free, then there was hope for a better and happier future, and then the sense of adventure of going to look for that future.
A month passed; I felt relaxed thinking I got a well-deserved break after years of working on something or the other. Finally, I start looking fervently for the dream job I’ve always wanted. I find it’s not as easy as I thought it was going to be and drop the requirements; still no luck. As time passes, things started getting disappointing, the energy started to wear out and that’s when I took that nice, long sigh.
I asked myself: what am I doing wrong? Am I doing anything right? Am I dragging myself back into the place I just escaped from? What do I really want in life? After a thunderstorm of questions just pouring down on me month after month, I boiled down the answers to discover the few things I really liked doing, and remembered things that I used to dream about when I was just an ignorant kid.
On this journey to discovering a part of me I carried around but never bothered to know, I have found how strange it is to view life with a perspective of keeping the things you want to do before the things you need to do. It’s like unleashing a wild-mannered child from the grips of a cultivated adult. I believe Freud had something to say on this, something regarding the ego and the id that I have yet to read up on.
No comments:
Post a Comment